We Have The Technology. 

I just ate a grape that was genetically bred to taste like cotton candy.

Witchcraft, I tell you!

AARP 

Movie theater attendant: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: Yes, I’d like a bag of Reese’s Pieces and my geriatric friend here has requested Malted Milk Balls. 
Jason: Not funny.

Oh, SylviaYes, Mickey . . .

Me: Jason? … Jason?… Jason!… Hey, where’d you’re stupid face go?!

Jason: *Comes out from kitchen* Did you just say, ‘Hey where’d you’re stupid face go?’

Me: Hey, there you are! I mean, . . . no?

Cause I’m the Wanderer

Jason’s phone has rung twice since he’s gone to bed. Each time he gets up and walks around the house instead of answering. 

I’m not sure what’s going on with that but I’m contemplating calling him to see if I can get a three-peat. 

Because I’m bored and that’s how marriage works.

I’m Wide Awake

Evidently waking your spouse at 3:30 AM to ask, “Do my hands smell like maple syrup to you?” Is not a “valid” reason for waking them up.

Hungry Like the Wolf

Friend 1: I just watched a documentary on mass extinction.

Friend 2: I caught up on my favorite show on BBC the weekend.

Me: Um, yeah. So I’m pretty in to Teen Wolf right now . . .

May 15th 

The Danube to the Severn gave
   The darken’d heart that beat no more;
   They laid him by the pleasant shore, 
And in the hearing of the wave.

There twice a day the Severn fills;
   The salt sea-water passes by,
   And hushes half the babbling Wye, 
And makes a silence in the hills.

The Wye is hush’d nor moved along,
   And hush’d my deepest grief of all,
   When fill’d with tears that cannot fall, 
I brim with sorrow drowning song.

The tide flows down, the wave again
   Is vocal in its wooded walls;
   My deeper anguish also falls, 
And I can speak a little then

In Memoriam by Lord Alfred Tennyson